Society vs Invisible Illness
“You’re still unmarried?”
“I wouldn’t want to become a parent late.”
“No one will want you.”
“Just settle, because there’s no time left.”
Settling. A term I have seen thrown around all my life, I never wanted to “settle” from a young age. In fact I may just have been the biggest dreamer I know. I would zone out and think about what it would be like to travel abroad, what it would be like skydiving, an adventure and to love my life. I was always creative, photographing with old cameras and writing poems. For the majority of my teens all I knew and felt was instability. I began pursuing a career, dreams, goals and ended up tying myself down to a corporate trap. The hunger to travel was there and so I traveled solo. I was backpacking around the world, I began working for myself and pursuing my dreams, working on my hobbies and so much more. I traveled to all 7 continents. I learned so much about myself, I conquered my fear of public speaking and battled anxiety and depression along the way, but nothing the gym couldn’t fix.
The day I began to feel my body deteriorate was the day I felt my dreams and aspirations died. I was alive, but not present. I was being advised but not listened to, my world collapsed, I lost my voice and lost out on what my peers appeared to be getting on with their lives.
After nearly a year I accepted my life had changed and I would need better coping mechanisms. There was a lot of self-discovery but also a feeling of solitude. Hey, I already mentioned that I traveled solo around the world, I take myself out to cafe’s all the time, I have no problem eating out alone, and I go to a lot of sporting events. Life is for living right? But every now and then there’s a feeling of will I ever meet the one.
When I first became sick I didn’t cope well with it, then I began to accept parts of it and started to read books and watch films/documentaries around illnesses. Some gave me hope, others gave me anxiety. I already felt a loss of independence, and even though I managed to begin rebuilding there was always the thought of being a burden. And as I grow older I feel like I lose hope in people in general. Don’t get me wrong there are some gems out there but there are some that have drained me and question my existence because of cultural and social norms. So as a person of faith, I believe that what’s written is written by The Best Planner. And if it means I continue solo in life then so be it, I just pray those who make sly comments can see the harm they do.